Yesterday, I did our weekly grocery shopping. While standing in line at checkout, there was a gen-Zish, hipsterish couple (Assumptions based upon: Holding hands, neither was likely old enough to drink, both wore 1950’s glasses with plain glass in them, and the (presenting) male of the couple had a knit cap on that could easily […]
Metlife(in email): Log in to your account to learn all about our new, enhanced user interface, built with you in mind! Me: Here are my username and password. Metlife: The data you’ve entered doesn’t match credentials on file. Me: Tell me my username. I’ve selected all the cars. Here’s my pet’s name, mother’s middle initial, […]
Me, leaving a medical procedure: Just a minor question, Doctor. Is a known side-effect of that new drug wild, intense, hallucinatory, almost entheogenic dreams? Doctor: Why, yes. Have you had one? Me (on the inside): No, I was just validating your medical degree!Out Loud: Yes, several times a night, all weekend. Doctor: Did you enjoy […]
Last night, just before going to bed, I set our robotic vacuum to clean our downstairs rooms while we slept. Judging by the carnage I found in the living room at 6:30AM, I believe this is what happened: Midway through cleaning the floor, having labored mightily, our robotic vacuum cleaner decided it had earned the […]
Have you ever thought that maybe there really is a massive universal consciousness, and it has a really sick sense of humor? Like, it just loves to torture you in the most banal ways, so that if you complain, everyone around you just thinks, “What’s he complaining about? He’s got it easy!” Just in case […]